The 5 year odyssey of adoption that my wife and I embarked
on so long ago is finally coming to an end in just a few days. How can I put
into words this quest of this great adventure and makes some sort of rational
sense that my mind can somehow wrap itself around.
They say ignorance is bliss and from my point of view, it all
depends on if you are at the beginning of the adoption process or the end. If I would have known then what I know now……
Boy, that statement really comes into focus and I know now what that truly
means. Unless you’ve been through the
process my tongue does not have the vocabulary to articulate what my mind and
heart feels.
In our adoption blog
post I wrote almost 2 and a half years ago I stole some lines from a movie that
still has the same impact now as it did them.
Below are those words that were the driving force that drove us to
continue this quest when one has been beaten down countless time and the heart
and the mind couldn’t take any more.
“Sheri and I have been
beaten down countless times, had to smash numerous piggy banks and have shed an
ocean of tears. We’ve been excited and counted our days and have had the rug
beneath our feet pulled away. We have put our life on hold and lived for the
day. So why do we continue on a quest that seems untouchable and is represented
only by a distant fading star in the nights sky.
My answer lies in two
words stolen from a film. "What" and
"If"! "What" and "If" are two words as
non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they
have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? I don't know
how our story ended but if Sheri and I don’t give our hearts and complete this
quest to bring home our daughter than “What If”, will haunt us for all our
days.
Now, I sit here, 5 years since we decided to adopt, some
forty thousand feet above the Atlantic Ocean traveling back to Latvia for the
sixth and final time trying to express in words what this all means. But how
can I? How does one express every-single emotion we have gone through, every
decision that needed to be made, every obstacle that was placed in front of us.
How do you quantify this odyssey called adoption. Then in my minds eyes I see those beautiful
eyes of my two young girls and it brings tears to my eyes. I look down at my littlest girl, Natalija, asleep
beside me all cured up and looking so innocent and peaceful as her tiny body is
crammed into the airplanes seats.
As I look down on her and gently stroke her hair I realize
that…. because of the quest I have a bond with my two girls that I simple can
not put into words, nor would I want to. Love does not have a price whether
that be financial, physical or emotional.
But I keep trying to rationalize all this and then I had a realization.
I now have my own family. A family I would do anything for. Wow, that’s it! I
HAVE MY OWN FAMILY!
So ignorance is bliss.
If you would have told me that 5 years ago to simply have ignorance at
the beginning of this adoption process, I would have thought you were nuts. It
was so frustrating not having the answers to all my questions and at times it
got me upset. Now, I realize that one must have ignorance at the beginning to
prevent you from giving up. Because if you knew everything my rational mind
would have said to “stop”. But that is where the mistake can be made. There is
a major part of the equation missing that you can not phantom until you have
gone through the process. Even words can
not describe it as they are elusive till they make themselves known. Even then,
they are so non-discrete that you don’t realize, at that moment, the
significant’s of it. It can best be
described as individual thread of the tapestry of life. By themselves they are
meaningless but when woven together they make the most beautiful, cherished
tapestry we call life.
This chapter of my book is closing, but a new chapter
begins. I now have the answers to “what
if”. I know I will never be haunted by those words when it comes to my two
girls and their adoptions. I know Sheri and I have changed the lives of two
precious young girls forever and in turn, they have changed ours. I think back at the broken down farm house
that these girls came from and where they are now. These girls finally have a
family that will love them forever. My eyes tear up when I realized that they
finally have a Mommy and Daddy that will love them forever. They are home!
As I re-read my writings, I realize I can’t summarize this
process. There are to many facets that this story that can not come into focus
without knowing the details. How do you
put into words when my little girl looks at me and gives me a smile. You can’t. You can describe the actions but
not the feelings and therefore you only get 50% of the story. How do you put
into words that 6th sense I had when walking to the building, when
we would first meet Sanija and knowing she was watching us or that first photo
I received and saw those beautiful eyes of Sanija that took my breath away and
spoke to me. How can I forget when the two girls ran towards one another in
that Latvian Park and embraced each other for 20 minutes when they thought they
would never see each other again. How can I paint such a picture and try to
describe the colors. You can’t! You try it. Explain to me the color purple.
Therefore, I will say “so-long”. My words, my chapter, my
story has come to an end. I have learned what the word, “Brave” means and next
to it are my daughters. You have been through so much, more than any child
should have to in life. Yet, you are so incredible strong and sweet. You are an
inspiration tome and the people who know you.
My final thoughts I will keep to myself. But before I go I
want to say something to Sanija and Natalija
I love you more than words can describe. Whatever “trials”
that you may have had in life it was those experiences and events that have
brought you to us and has made you the person you are today. It is up to you to
decide what to do with your new life. Mommy and I have given you all the tools
and inspiration to be a success in whatever you decide to do. You are in control of your own destiny. From the moment you were born, that first
breath you took, your destiny was to become our daughters. Use those experiences
to become the strongest, gentlest and kindness person you can be. You have brought so much happiness to my life
it is immeasurable by any standards. Always keep in your heart the love I have
for you and let it be your guiding light in your life to come. I love you!